Archive for June, 2015

“Hello??  Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me… Is there anyone home?” 🙂

It’s been 2,035 days since the last time I opened my heart on here.  Some of it has been due to the rapid development of social media (mostly Facebook), yet much of it had to do with self transformation and going through a season of closing myself off in certain ways.  I’m currently learning more and more about personal boundaries and re-evaluating them in all facets of my life.  I am also coming out of a “dark night” that has tested every fiber of my being.  I’ve pushed the envelope to the farthest of my limits and out of that, my foundations started to crack & crumble.  I ignored the “handwriting on the wall” and next thing I knew, life was out of control and I was all out of energy, motivation to continue or hope of any future.  In it’s place a few unwanted guest moved in.  Mostly fear, doubt, confusion, anxiety, depression and even an overwhelming sense of feeling physically and mentally paralyzed.

Now, some may wonder why I would be so open after expressing concern about personal boundaries.  Well… because honesty and transparency are just one facet of boundaries.  The reason why we as people hold back from honesty & transparency is due to the factors of vulnerability.  No one wants to be vulnerable (or especially feel as though we are).  To go even further, the main reason vulnerability creates such an internal conflict is because of the uncertainty which comes along with it.  Vulnerability can be used by another human being to manipulate another or it may be used to mis-judge or to be misunderstood.

There is however another part of vulnerability that is often overlooked due to the fear of our ego’s.  Vulnerability gives us the opportunity to accept who we are, to break down walls of insecurity and to develop into the deeper levels of self development.  However, our culture has a long way to go.  Billions of dollars are spent annually to promote the opposite of self acceptance and worth.  And for those who know me personally, I was part of that formula when I was involved in the modeling industry.  My intentions were good, yet my life conflicted with my ideologies. Just to be clear, I understand that many people are in positions of internal conflict due to the necessity of finances.  There is no judgement there, just a recognition that we often find ourselves in these places of conflict (some by choice) but most due to “survival”.

I believe that human beings all want to feel connected.  Even those of us who spend much of our time alone or secluded.  A good friend of mine in San Diego told me that she’s still in search of her “tribe” (yet is accepting that she may never find them). These are the people who connect with her at her deepest level of consciousness.  One’s who see past the smoke and mirrors of the superficial aspects of the world and can bond over Holistic living, balance, and harmony with our planet and our community.  Which I believe appeals to many people especially as we get older.  Yet, to find our “tribe” we must be vulnerable with the world and I guess that starts by being honest with ourselves first and then being free to be whole which will include the “good” the “bad” and everywhere in-between. Although the more I learn to stop perceiving  anything as strictly good or bad, the more clearly I can understand this world and my fellow man/woman.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for those who continue to walk their own path yet share the same journey with me. (Especially those in the martial art community whom I’ve connected with over the years, the one’s who see the “complete picture” that it all comes down to self discovery and enhancement).  This same thing can be shared by yogi’s, dancers, (rock wall builders 😉 and artist of any kind really.  We all share some common threads and are more alike than most of us will ever be able to comprehend.


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